While Yoshino’s idea of the “New Civil Rights” being in the hands of ordinary people is true, the most important step to reach a society where everyone is equal is learning how to talk openly and be “voluntarily vulnerable,” as Hallward puts it.
3 thoughts on “Working Thesis”
You started with a subordinate clause which is good, then you took a position of wanting to reach a society where everyone is equal, and then the only thing I would try to include a word that signals a command like must or can.
Looks great, I don’t see any flaws.
You were able to mention Yoshino and Hallward in your thesis statement while involving their key attributions. Yoshino’s civil rights argument and Hallward’s vulnerability outlook. It sets the stage for what’s to come!